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"Dessutom har jag tänkt ganska mycket på att många av de egenskaper jag saknar med honom är också dom egenskaper som var en del av det som var oss. Som spontaniteten att gå ut och göra något roligt av en tråkig tisdagskväll, eller att låta alla måltider vara goda, eller obsessandet av hundar. Så var han inte när vi först lärde känna varandra."
Sandra Beijer, Vecka 6.
Perhaps the best bit of redundancy, or at least the most thrilling bit, is going through the compensation negotiation phase. I was made redundant twice last year (welcome to the life of a startup-loving PR), so I went through more pay negotiations in a single year than I think most people a generation ago did an entire lifetime.
At first it's pretty scary. After all, my generation grew up being told that "there are no jobs", "you better just take first best offer" and "Donald Trump will become president" (actually no one ever said that, but that turned out to be the truest of all three statements). If your starting point is that there are no jobs and you're used to living off student finance, asking for anything more than £25k is likely to feel cheeky beyond measure. After all, you don't need that money, do you? You've been just fine with student finance before so you'll be fine without, and also it'd be so uncomfortable asking.
Wrong. It's almost unbelievable how wrong that is, and what's even more unbelievable is that some of my closest friends, high achievers who've won awards(!) and shit, still seem to think this when they enter the negotiation room for a new position. So naturally, I decided to put down my key learnings from my numerous salary negotiations.
1. You're not important
First of all, remove yourself from this entire equation. Whatever your personal take on a "reasonable salary", it's simply not important. I'm amazed at how non-scientific some people tend to get in these conversations - they take it all too personally, and not in a "I'm good at X and Y, so I should ask for Z"-sort of way, but rather "I've been living off way less money and I wouldn't even know what to spend the cash on?"- sort of way. Wrong, remove, delete. Your personal finances are not important (naturally, that goes the other way, too - you can't ask for a raise just because your rent went up by 10%).
2. Google first, as later
At my first ever internship I was told to "Google first, ask later". I now live by this, and although it obviously requires some critical thinking, Google is the absolute go-to place to figure out salary levels. Sweden is fortunate in that all salary data is public, so you can easily find hard facts on what you should ask for (though then add some more, for reasons I'll outline below). It's a bit trickier in the UK, but most industries will do surveys outlining current salary levels. Once you've googled, ask your peers. It might be uncomfortable (depends on relationship, industry, culture, country etc), but ask your mates and mentors how they went about negotiating their salary. Finding out how much my colleagues were making at one of my first jobs gave me a well-rounded understanding of what my sector and industry looked like, and what I could ask for when I moved on to my next gig.
Don't ask, don't get.
3. Don't ask, don't get
When you first leave uni it's pretty hard knowing what sort of money companies deal with. It was to me at least. I honestly couldn't believe it when I realised what my agency charged as my hourly rate (though obviously, that doesn't just cover my time - it also includes office rent, paid leave, benefits etc). The negotiating phase is the one time in at least a year(!) that you'll discuss your salary with your manager. Don't hold back - the company can afford it, otherwise they wouldn't be hiring. A grand here or there makes little difference to the company, but it'll make a significant difference to you and your pension scheme. Don't ask, don't get.
4. It's the economy, stupid
Putting your salary proposal at just average does no one any favours. First of all, you're likely to be pushed down regardless of what you ask for - the most I've been pushed down is £6k/year, and that was a job and offer I ended up happily accepting. But more importantly, if you accept a lower salary than statistics and facts indicate you should, you're pushing down the salary level at the company and for your peers. This becomes ever more important if you're a woman. There is no doubt in the entire universe that asking for the right salary is a feminist statement. We all bear the responsibility to close the pay gap - some more than others, but it starts with you. And don't forget that if you start low, it becomes difficult to increase your salary without changing jobs.
5. Hold yer ground
I'm just gonna go ahead here and assume you won't ask for an impossible package of Swarovski plated gadgets and a gazillion pound salary. In which case, if the employer or client comes back to your salary proposal and downsizes it by 20%, which happened to me once, do not fight the urge to laugh in their faces - I certainly didn't. Don't sell yourself short - it's not worth it. And don't be scared to reject an offer that feels ludicrous. The first offer I ever rejected came back to me with a £7k increase that I hadn't even asked for (I ended up taking the job, but not before I'd doubled my equity package). Also, if they can't afford to pay you a decent salary, you probably don't want to be there anyway.
All this said, you live and you learn. I once massively undercharged a client when I did a four-day freelance gig - and you only ever realise that you've undercharged when they happily accept your offer. Likewise, I've also had clients flat out reject my offer because they didn't think they could afford it, and I definitely prefer the latter to the former. Your time is valuable, and so are you. Selling yourself short isn't doing anyone any favours.
2017 already feels a bit different. Never mind the bollocks (ie that Donald J Trump is about to be sworn in as POTUS, or that Theresa May is about to trigger Article 50), let's focus on the important stuff. For me, that's that this is the first time I'm setting out in a new year where I plan to be in pretty much the same place at the end of it. In other words, fingers crossed I'll be in the same job and in the same flat with the same boy. That doesn't mean things will stand still, though. If anything, it means I'll have scope to improve and strengthen myself in the areas of my life that have been neglected as I've previously been busy advancing my career, moving continents, Tindering away... Et cetera.
2017 - less career stress, more personal development. Potentially tech-induced, nevertheless.
I've identified three areas that could do with a bit of TLC - how I manage my money, how I look after my mental state of mind and the way I exercise. I've set up goals, some more vague than others ("finish a half marathon" is not very vague, whereas "reduce stress" is about as vague as it gets), and spent some time thinking about how to best conquer them. And somehow, before I'd even spotted a trend, I'd downloaded a few apps to help me on the way. Whether they'll increase my chances of success I don't yet know, but I'll make sure to feed back at the end of the year.
We're road tripping from California to Mexico (hopefully they won't have built the wall by then) - I need to save 188 SEK/day until then. Walk in the park, piece of cake etc.
Dreams
I'm great at saving money. In fact, I'm so great at it that every month I'll dip into my savings, saying to myself "I save so much money every month it won't make a difference". Hint - it does. It really does. I've been way too aggressive with my savings, and haven't diversified my portfolio of savings enough. In other words, I haven't had enough savings accounts. This summer I'm doing two trips that will cost a fair bit of money, and to make sure I don't dip into the savings for it I've set up an account with Dreams, an app that helps you save money in different categories and for different goals. It's essentially as though you've set up a couple of new accounts, but you don't see the money you've saved as soon as you log into your mobile banking app (which has been my biggest issue). Beyond that, they've adopted an "every little counts" approach, whereby you can transfer the cost of your vices every time you choose to abstain, whether that's takeaway lattes, glossy magazines, or - in my case - another grey Cos jumper I don't need.
Headspace
I have a real issue in that I thrive on stress, and I become unproductive when things are slow. It was great when I was a full time student and simultaneously worked full time, and it does mean I always keep busy, but it also means that I have a hard time noticing when I'm moving too fast. As someone once said, "if everything's under control, you're not moving fast enough". I believe that to be true, but at the same time I recognise that I have to be more mindful of my own wellbeing and mental state of mind. As part of this I've started meditating ten minutes every morning, using the app Headspace. So far I find it useful, particularly in that it encourages you to not judge yourself or your thoughts, and certainly not in relation to the meditation itself. They're currently running a campaign with Spotify, giving you both Spotify Premium and Headspace for 149 SEK/month - bargain.
Nike + Run Club
I've mentioned this before, but since I'm about as non-runnery as a runner can be, and since I'm doing a half marathon in Palestine in a couple of weeks(!!), I certainly need a bit of help. I'm using Nike's Running Club app, and you know what - it actually works pretty well. I'm fairly impressed, which is a glowing review for a running app as far as I'm concerned. It keeps me on track (pun intended, lol) and even cheers me on as I run intervals. Whether it'll get me across the finish line in Bethlehem is a different matter, but here's hopin'...
Other behavioural apps I've tried but ditched: LifeSum (soz, can't be arsed counting calories), Smoke Free (I smoke so little I actually found it discouraging to see I'd only saved £2 by not smoking for an entire month), Duolingo (I liked that one, but meditating AND studying a new language every morning is more than I can take...).
Below is a post I wrote last summer, before I'd left London myself (or even knew I was about to). It's on why most of my friends decided to leave London.
London, 13 July - After eight years in London, perhaps one would think I've found a family of sorts in this beloved city of mine. And I have. The problem is just they keep leaving. Over the past 18 months almost every single one of my close friends has packed up and left. For greener or seemingly less neoliberal pastures. And the few ones that haven't left are planning their departure. Brits, Americans, Spaniards, Swedes, Finns... The list goes on. Well, actually, my own list ends there, but the point still stands - in spite of former PM Cameron talking about "swarm of migrants" coming to Britain, all my mates are leaving.
To capture this odd moment in time, where I actually find myself being quite lonely in one of the world's largest cities, I decided to ask three of my friends why they've all left me in post-Brexit Britain.
Harry might not be the best one to start out with as he was never too keen on London or Britain in the first place. He did his undergrad at Oxford before moving down to London for his post-grad, and said being in London was a necessary evil of sorts. He stayed on for another two years after finishing uni, and, as per most people I know, did 80 hour work weeks with little time do much else.
Harry and his wife Natasha, here in Wales, moved from London to Sweden in 2016
He links Britain's lacking work/life balance to the country's ongoing productivity crisis: "It's as though it's never occurred to people that we don't get more stuff done just because we spend more time in the office. The whole 9-5 culture is frowned upon, but I don't want my life to be dominated by work. I could make a whole lot more money in Britain, but a lot of the things I want from life aren't compatible with finishing up at 8pm every night. Back in Sweden most of my mates finish work at 5pm. It just leaves us enough time to get out and do something in the evenings as well."
So is there anything he misses about London? Pubs. And that it's sort of dirty. "Walking around the streets of Malmö you almost feel as though you're in someone's flat with shoes on as everything's so clean", which is ironic of course, since people in London tend to keep their shoes on indoors.
Kirsty McKie, apart from being one of my first friends in London, is a videographer who had been a London resident for about a decade when she packed her bags for Bali. She's been there for eight months and has abandoned her Britishness to the extent where she now actually calls herself a #digitalnomad without a slightest hint of sarcasm (IKR).
Kirsty left for Bali in 2015
Like Harry, Kirsty wasn't too keen on the busy-ness of London: "Being busy is like wearing a badge of honour in London. Everyone takes part in it, but because everyone's so busy no one gets anything done. And to be honest, the weather doesn't help."
She didn't intend on leaving London though. She was only meant to go to Bali for a two month break to hang out in the tropics with Escape the City, a company that's a bit more like a movement or a community for people who are hoping to - you guessed it - escape the city. And there's a fair bit of them - they have over 250k users and more than 500 people have done one of their Tribes, the 12 week 101 on setting up your own company and/or escaping the city.
"Obviously it's different in Bali. But it's not that people don't work or work hard, they're just not overworked in the same way which means they have more time to discuss and pursue new, creative ideas. Stuff gets done as there's a lot fewer restrictions in terms of time, money and weather."
On the idea of leaving London, Kirsty said this: "I remember when I was younger and people from back home would leave London to go back up north. I always thought they were weak for not being able to keep up with the pressures of London, but now that I've stepped out of the bubble myself I totally get it. They all think people are mad to live in London and pay London prices, not just in money but in time as well. And they're right."
Great.
A former colleague of mine, James, recently left London for NYC and was the first one to mention Brexit as a big reason.
"I'd made my mind up before Brexit, but the reality of it made me a lot less comfortable in the UK. I was born and bred in London, but the Brexit vote made me genuinely feel that I understood the country less well, and I had to come to terms with the fact that I disagree quite fundamentally with 17 million people. So yeah, the Brexit vote made me less worried about leaving."
James. He's about as British and sarcastic as they make them.
Clearly this made me wonder about his concerns about the prospects of a potential Trump presidency.
"Trump is different. To me at least. If he does win the election it'd be part of the adventure, and I think a lot of interesting conversation would come from it. People in NYC are interested in hearing each other's stories, even if it's just a 20-minute chat, no strings attached."
"I'll meet people out and about and strangers will invite me to all sorts of things, whether that's gigs or parties. That sort of openness doesn't exist in London, which makes it feel like a lot smaller, quieter and slower than New York is. Could you imagine a stranger starting to talk to you on the tube? That sort of thing happens all the time on the subway in New York."
So there you have it. Rising living costs, shit work/life balance and Brexit. And as more of my mates are planning to pack up, it's becoming increasingly lonely in a place where strangers won't talk to you on the tube. Though truth to be told, I've become British enough to be pretty happy that they don't - but that's probably another blog post in the making... I might end up leaving London myself, or Brexit might literally force me to - who knows. It's a sad state of affairs. Until then, I suppose I'll have to make use of my mates leaving and go on holidays to Sweden/Bali/NYC/all the above.
Last quarter of 2016 coming up! Check out January-March here, April-June here, and July-September here. It was a crazy year and I'm so glad it's over, though I learnt so much and there were a lot of good times as well. Last quarter of the year was mainly about settling into a new routine, flat, job, country, well, life really. Let's have a look.
OCTOBER
I remember feeling stressed at the time, but October was a brilliant month and the first month in a pretty long time that I had decent work/life balance. Natasha invited myself and Vicky over for a lavish four-course meal and we spent all evening chatting away before I got on my bike back home, ten minutes away. Alec and I explored the local area and got fresh flowers (perhaps my biggest vice) at the local market. We also had our inaugural conference over a luxurious brunch where we discussed joint goals and plans, and how to get there. I hosted birthday brunch for ten of my closest friends, and was invited to join a book club - one of the best things to come out of 2016. Alec and I took my sister and her kids to Skånes Djurpark to hang out with the animals, and I also went to Copenhagen for a bit of a shopping spree and seeing Caroline. I also rediscovered my love for my job, actually felt pretty good at it, and took myself out for champagne and steak tartare after a particularly good week. Other than that, I slept. It was needed.
NOVEMBER
November was pretty mental, and I don't think I was prepared for it. This continues to happen in my life, all of a sudden I'll find myself in a self-inflicted shitstorm and I have no idea how it happened, until I take a step back and realise I've probably planned a zillion things too many. I'd also gone to an event in October that left me pretty emotionally unstable to be honest, so I immersed myself in work and other forms of escapism. Vicky and I went to Soran Ismail's and Magnus Betner's show En Skam för Sverige 2. I took Alec to Arken outside Copenhagen, before we ventured to the cinema to see Woody Allen's Cafe Society - it was a masterpiece. We argued a lot over Donald Trump, and although Brexit had me feel like Trump would win the US election, I was shellshocked when it actually happened. That day I bought my colleagues cake, probably mainly to comfort myself. We offered refuge to a rescue cat, Katten, which is also one of the best things to come from 2016 - I love him so much it's slightly insane? Alec and I hosted Thanksgiving for 16 of our closest friends, Alec held a speech in my honour (I cried, obvs), and the morning after I flew to Brussels for a weekend with Ingrid. From there I flew to Stockholm to see my girls and to do a couple of quick meetings, before I hopped on the ferry to Helsinki and Slush. Slush offered 16 hours work days and countless of meetings with top-tier journos, and I returned to Malmö both exhausted and inspired.
DECEMBER
December came and I felt like I'd checked out, I was so tired. I started looking up stress management courses and my girl mates told me off and told me to slow down instead of looking up silly courses. Point taken. I went to Stockholm for another press trip, had a glorious 3 month review with my boss and successfully managed my first bout of crisis comms. I also went to Zemika's and Joakim's wedding in Stockholm, and got to meet baby Lukas for the first time. Fanny, Isabelle and I went to the theatre in Stockholm after a particular gossip-y dinner, and Alec signed the contract at a startup and got his Swedish social security number exactly three months after arriving in Sweden. After having planned to work over the holidays I instead took two weeks(!) off, and Alec and I checked in at Haymarket in Stockholm over Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. We went to Skansen, had spenny cocktails and opened our presents over a lavish hotel breakfast. Back in Malmö I signed up to the Palestine half marathon, and started training accordingly. On New Year's Eve we took the train to Copenhagen where Thomas and Caroline had set up a splendid three-course meal and following house party, and I ended 2016 much like I started it - kissing the boy.
That was my 2016 - mental. I'm looking forward to a much calmer and more composed 2017. For the first time in my entire life I expect life to look pretty similar at the end of the year to what it does now, and obviously that influences goals and resolutions, but more about that in another post...